xd: emo on national day

dear diary,

mood: paranoid

i have my worries. i guess we all do.

a recent series of events triggered this consortium of worries. they had surfaced once, but burrowed themselves within me shortly after. until now, they have been hiding, lying dormant somewhere in my subconsiousness. waiting. waiting for a chance for a second strike.

and once again, im haunted.

it started after the job planning exercise. subtly, they had awakened, but their movements hardly detectable to my dulled senses. then came the chinese test. by then, they had fully formed their ranks. preparing for the imminent strike. and today. a seemingly normal conservation struck me unexpectedly hard. jem had asked, "why not train your chinese?"

they seized the opportunity well. with frightening speed and intensity, they launched their assault, tearing my inner world into chaos.

they are triumphing. i can hear their mockery, their laughs.

they watch how i shrivel with fright.

im worried about my future. im uncertain whether i would do well for the o levels. and im terrified by how little i have done. how unskilled i am.

and they now tell me about my future.

after the o levels, i would become a jc student, troubled by the a levels. after graduation it would be a tough 2 years in the military. next comes university. then work. id raise a family, and age with time. soon a watch wouldnt be necessary. the sun's position would suffice. then, even the sun wouldnt be necessary. a calendar would be all that's required. id watch my kids grow, and they would watch me wither with age. time goes on, and the expiry date draws near...

haha..

in the end nothing matters. what for being so worried? that's life for you, and rejoice that youre not an animal or a starving kid in some third world country. be content with what you have.

so they arent my enemies. they are part of me. no. i am part of them. so i turn away, and, with equanimity, i drift into their company...