xd: another emo post

These days, time pass really fast.

I try to get things done, but always end up finding myself wasting so much time. It's almost as if I'm being squeezed through a vacuum cleaner pipe. Everything else seem to be moving at their own normal pace, while my life is being fast forwarded...

I dont like this at all. I'm afraid. No, maybe I'm just not used to it.

All these remind me of a story I've once heard from the obs instrutor: There was a bold young man. One day, he said, "God, give me the power to change the world." Many years passed, and he aged. Yet he found that he accomplised nothing. So he altered his statement, "God, please let me change the people around me." Another 2 decades or so passed, and he was already and old man. Again he achieved nothing. Only then he recognised his naivety. So finally he said, "God, I have been foolish all the while. Just give me the power to change myself."

No, its not that I want to change the world. It's just that I somehow feel the same way that the old man would feel. That all the time that passed were not put to full use. Wasted. Especially when it started with everything looking promising. And I guess this is making me subconsciously stressed. I'm just hoping that this stress doesnt affect my daily life.

But some effects of stress are already creeping into my life. Subtle, but detectable. I got really frustrated today when my mother started telling me about the importance of exercise and a healthy diet. So rudely I told her to stop talking and that I understood what she was getting at. I felt regretful after that, but didnt even realise why I became so frustrated at the first place. I cant even taste food properly, and find that stuff at fast food restaurants either too salty or too bland. Or simply just not good. Appetite decreased too.

And to everything else, I'm getting numb...

This September holidays is not helping things much, if not making things worse. I've already spent the first two days sleeping or playing or futilely trying to complete some work. And its really frightening how I fall asleep when its day and wake up in the dark. Sometimes I really wish all these was just a nighmare. A horribly constructed nightmare.

But then again I know I'm kidding myself. This is no dream. This is my life. My not so happy life. With the year coming to an end, along with the 2 years of genuine IP life, and the chinese o levels and end of year exams perilously close, its no wonder everything seems to be against me. Perhaps I'm reactionary. Or maybe I just fear change. Either case, it sucks...

And the funny thing is, I'm not a Christian. I've got no God to rely on for additional emotional support. Maybe I'm a free thinker. But most of the time I find myself as an atheist. Even a nihilist. But at least I'm not on the side of Satan. Probably that's why I'm confused at times. I feel alone. A hermit. But then again I would rather not be a prodigal son, because it'd really be shameful. Dishonourable, on my part. Even if God would accept me, I cant.

These days friends are my sole emotional support. Perhaps this blog too. Thanks guys. Thanks for being such good understanding friends.

Well, sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I could turn back time, to be an 8-year-old who enjoys going out with his family...

PS: nope, im not committing suicide. not that bad la. LAME. o.O