xd: LANshop Royale (Part I)

(hooray for my awesome photoshop skills.)

James Phua: LANshop Royale (Part I)

Narrator: Every man has a story. Every story has a beginning. In LANshop Royale, Phua, the man who has become nothing less than a legend among the IP population, embarks on his first job as a one double three seven (1337) agent.

Scene 1:

Sengkang, Singapore.

Phua is on his customized computer, conversing with M, his superior, using MSN messenger.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
eh halo.. got any mission for me anot?

M says:
Hi Mr Phua. But first of all, know that promoting you to a One Double Three Seven agent doesn’t mean you can add me on msn and talk to me like this.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
ahahaha whatever la. so got mission for me?

M says:
Yes. There’s this guy who owns a lanshop, and he challenges his customers to 5v5 DotA often. They play a simple gamble. Players place their stakes, and winner takes all. However, our sources tell us that the owner of the lanshop has never lost a game since his lanshop opened. He had played at least 200 such gambles since then. The issue is that apparently he uses the money he wins to fund international terrorists.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
lol

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
wait wait. how can he win 5v5 dota by himself?

M says:
Well, the one who gets the most kills win.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
hahahaahah wah liddat also can ah? so my mission is to stop him issit?

M says:
Yes. Your task will be to challenge and beat him at his game, since youre the one who’s most proficient at the game here at the agency. You will be provided with $107 for the stakes. Additional $7 because GST has increased to 7% now.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
hahahahaha ok la on la!

M says:
By the way, get a laptop. The agency can’t afford to lose face because one of our 1337 agents owns only a desktop.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart says:
haha no nid la.. my desktop super gay de.. got 1 gig ram sia.. and only cost 1k! hey-heh! hey-heh!

Scene 2:

Somerset, Singapore

James Phua reaches the LAN gaming centre in cineleisure. Most players have reached the venue already, and the games are about to start.

LANshop owner: Ah, Mr Phua! My name is Shitte Gei. People call me Gay Shit here. HAHA! Come, have a seat.

James Phua: Pleasure. I guess I’m really fortunate to be able to play a game with someone as charming and well-respected as you. Now if you excuse me. (Phua walks to talk a seat in front of a computer)

5 minutes later

LANshop owner: Now let the games begin! Players, please place your bets.

Phua takes out $20 from his wallet and put it on the betting table.

LANshop owner: Ok, I’ll create the game now. It would be an –ap match. No leavers allowed.

5 minutes into the game

FIRST BLOOD!

James Phua: “OEI… KS.. asshole la you..”

10 minutes into the game

James Phua: “WAH SHIT! TYCO! I only 5 HP left and I escape! Hey-heh! Hey- *Our hero has been killed!* … WTF clinkz windwalk! OMG I died! noonnNOo…”

50 minutes into the game:

*The Sentinel has won the game! Check www.getdota.com for updates*

LANshop owner: Very obviously, I have won with 17 kills. Mr Phua is quite impressive too, but most unfortunately he has only got 14 kills. We will RM in an hour. Please hang around until then.

10 minutes after the match, James Phua and... some IP1 girl are at a quiet place, talking.

IP1 girl: You have lost.

James Phua: I know la! But you know why anot? He maphack. He sure maphack one. With "Darwin" Sniper he cant assassinate me without using a maphack. I was like so far away, and there was fog of war! Damn cb la.

IP1 girl: I don't care (as much as I don't understand what you're saying.) You know what's your problem? It's your ego. You always say “can de la!” but you end up saying “aiya… today not on form la… cmi.”or just give some shitty excuse like the one you just gave. Listen. You play again, you lose, and we're giving free money to terrorists who will bomb our MRTs with suspicious articles.

James Phua: No I won’t. I promise. I know how to counter his maphacks…

And so how exactly does James Phua counters his gruesomely powerful enemy who uses a cheating program? Stay tuned for Part II.